Round One
by Kaze Kimizu
Summary: Matt can't sleep; Near made him too mad to sleep. How will he fall asleep? Why, he'll touch himself! Mello is dying to see L before he leaves. What can he do while waiting? The answer is clear! Near is bathing. Same thing? Oh yes. And L?
1. Round One

**Author's Note:** Don't. Ask. o.o I suddenly wanted to write a fic where Matt hates Near's guts. And...well...this is what happened. I would like to make it clear that Matt acted on his own in this fic. I had no intentions of writing his...scene...but he had other ideas. I am still blushing, especially since Mello has just informed me of what HE wants to see in a fanfic...Ah well, Onward!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Death Note or Galaga. Know why? This might actually make it into the manga, if I was in control. xP

**Warning:** Er...Matty-Fun-Time. Cussing. Yeah.

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_"Perhaps Matt can satiate his lust."_

--

"God damn it, that little bastard," Matt hissed against the dim quiet of his room. He kicked a stack of CD's into the wall, gritting his teeth in an attempt not to scream. "I'm NOT like that. I don't care if Mello and Near go crazy over L. I don't care if L covers them in kisses and hugs. I don't give a fuck. I don't WANT L's attention."

He sank onto his bed, glaring at a spot in the carpet. Impatiently, he reached down and retrieved his Gameboy Color, flicking the power on without checking which game was inside.

"I mean, what do I look like? Some kinda freak?" He scoffed at the silent room, leaning back against one pale wall. "I don't care if L gives me the same looks that he gives Near and Mel. I don't want them. Near doesn't know what he's talking about. He's pretty stupid for Rank One. L doesn't want any of us in THAT way, regardless of how it looks. L's not like that."

Growing discontented with the Mortal Combat game that flashed colorfully in the haze of his sour mood, Matt flicked the OFF button and tossed the cartridge haphazardly into a stack of wires and lights that somehow related to his many gaming systems. He flopped backward on his bed and stared up at the ceiling.

"Damn Near. I hate him so much. Mello's never bugged me about L before. Why the fuck does Near think he's so special? L is just a title. He's just a weird guy that likes sizing up the kids who might take over for him. He's not a pervert or anything. And lust? What kind of a word choice is that? What, does Near expect me to make out with the guy or something?" Matt snorted, tossing and turning on the sheets.

"Stupid Near. I stay as far away from L as possible."

He closed his eyes, still frowning, and tried forcing himself to sleep. After a brief moment of stillness, he quickly grew frustrated and flipped over to his side. Still uncomfortable, he twisted onto his stomach and willed sleep to capture him.

"I've got a test tomorrow, damn it. I need to sleep," he groaned. He shifted again, returning to his original position on his back, when an idea struck him.

It's not like he had never touched himself before. He'd just never done it while trying to fall asleep. He gently slipped one hand between the sheets, shivering as his cold fingers brushed his stomach. Although he was completely alone, with absolutely no chance of someone walking in on him, he still blushed furiously as he cupped himself under the blankets.

"Mmm," he sighed, "I don't need anyone else to make me happy…"

He worked his magic masterfully, treating his Lil'Matt like the precious joystick on the Galaga game at the arcade. His face began to heat; his breathing became erratic.

"Near doesn't know what he's talking about…" Matt thought, drowsily.

And then he thought of L.

He closed his eyes and pictured the detective, all sharp angles and jerky motions. L, the great detective. L, the older man with the haunting eyes. L, the person holding Mello and Near while smothering them with light kisses.

Matt moaned, eyes heavy with lust.

"It's…not…like that…" he gasped, getting closer and closer.

His fantasy-L blinked at him wordlessly, opening his arms to the redhead. Matt noticed cake icing, sweet strawberry, sticking to L's lips and fingertips. In the background, Mello and Near turned away in defeat. Fantasy-L reached his hand out, barely brushing Matt's cheek…

"Ahh!" Matt mewled, finally releasing the tension in his body all over his hand. He panted, head still cloudy, before closing his heavy eyelids against the darkness.

"Fucking Near…" he sighed, slipping off into a dream world filled with cakes and spaceships and strange, wide-eyed detectives.


	2. Round Two

**Author's Note:** All right guys, I decided that yes - I am making this into a multichapter fic. The first "Round" was Matt's, and this one is Mello's! Can you guess who will star in "Round Three"? If you said Near, you're right! I've actually had Mello's and Near's scenes in my head since I posted Matt's. I wasn't really sure what I wanted to happen in each scene, but I knew the locations I wanted them to happen in. I think of some very odd places for little boys to play with themselves. o.o;; Ah well. On a side note, I'm currently reading the Count Cain/Godchild series online. It is absolutely incredible. Expect a few Cain stories in the future. Anyways, Onward!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Death Note. Why? I would make sure there was an ASSLOAD of Mello Merchandise. Seriously, I can barely find ANYTHING related to my Mello-bear. u.u They need to make a badass plushie of him, damn it.

**Warning:** Cussing, Mello-happy-time. Woot.

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Mello settled into his hiding place like a tiger waiting for an opportunity to pounce.

"L," he mused, "I knew you weren't staying for another day. You just didn't want to say goodbye properly. It's all right. I've got my own way to say goodbye."

He stretched out on the tree limb, carefully wrapping his arms around its thick, protruding branches. He nestled among the leaves, perfectly hidden, as he basked in the sunlight of the afternoon.

"He'll leave any minute now," Mello grinned, "and I'll be the only one to see him go. Everyone else is in class or in the dorms. It's too hot for anyone to even _look_ outside. But I'm here, L."

His eyes drifted lazily across the facade of Wammy's House. The windows glittered in the sunlight, little gems hidden among clapboard-white walls. He focused momentarily on the large oak door from which the great detective, L, would soon emerge.

"L," Mello sighed, letting the name roll off his tongue like honey. "L is a fucking hero. I can't wait to be just like him."

He carefully rolled over to his side, still precariously perched on the tree limb, and waited. He would wait all day for L without complaint. After ten minutes, however, he had picked every leaf from the branch in front of him and was getting quite restless.

"L, where are you? I know you're leaving today, damn it. I heard you talking to Watari about it. I skipped classes just to see you leave. Why aren't you here yet?"

He sighed, twisting around on the flat tree limb until he became more comfortable. He began to pluck at the leaves on another branch.

"He likes me… He likes me not…" Mello smiled, pinching the leaves from their stems and watching them fall to the ground. "He likes me…" The blonde closed his eyes, feeling his stomach tighten strangely.

"L," he purred, "You do like me best, don't you? I'm your favorite. You like it when you kiss me, don't you? Little tiny kisses all over my face and hair…" Without thinking, Mello's hand guided itself southward toward the waistband of his pants.

"You don't grin at Near like you grin at me. You don't hold him like you hold me…" A slight blush crept up the boy's cheeks as his hand wrapped around his stiffened playmate. He tugged gently, shivers racing up and down his spine. "L…"

Mello lay in the sunlight, wrapped in layers of pleasure and warmth, not noticing that the shrew-like detective emerged from the house. Only after the roar of a car's engine broke the stillness of the air did Mello's heavy eyelids open halfway. He continued to touch himself, craning his neck to catch a glimpse of the raven-haired detective through the windows of the vehicle. Before the car even pulled out of the driveway, slick splotches began to litter the ground beside the fallen leaves.

"L…" he moaned, finally catching sight of owl-like eyes peering toward the horizon from a tinted window. "Goodbye, L. Come home soon."

Mello rolled onto his back, closing his eyes against the warm rays of sunlight filtering through the tree. He smiled, content with the world and everything in it, before falling asleep cradled among the branches.


	3. Round Three

**Author's Note:** All right. This fic has annoyed the hell out of me. xP I've had Near's scene in my head all weekend, and yet...I went to write it, and it would NOT word itself correctly. Blame this chapter for the lack of updates on Game Over, Ad Interim, and Between Angels and Thieves. But...aw, hell, I had fun writing it. xP And ne? What's this? Might be another chapter? But...who else could we put in this fic? Onward!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Death Note. Even though I adored watching Episode 1 again tonight. xP Aw, Light was so innocent in the beginning. I had almost forgotten how clear his eyes once were.

**Warning:** Near-Happy-Time. Seriously. I wouldn't believe it either, except I was the one that wrote it. xP Hah.

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Near zipped his toy duck around the bathtub, making tiny _whoosh_ sounds for each sharp turn. He dunked the rubber toy under the water, smiling faintly as the duck's surface changed colors. The pale child splashed lightly at the bubbles, smoothing them across his chest and face like a robot's shell.

"ZXR-10-7 in Battle Mode. Master Z-3-09, is the operation ready to commence?" He spoke aloud, twisting his fingers into the shape of a gun.

"Clear, ZXR-10-7. The operation will begin in exactly forty-two seconds. Target one must be eliminated," Near whispered in a deep, menacing voice.

"Master X-3-09, Operation Set. Aiming. Fire!" Near squeaked as he fired an imaginary missile at the duck, giggling softly as his toes submerged the creature under the water. The duck popped up a moment later, looking as flustered as an inanimate rubber bath toy can look.

Near lounged against the back of the tub, curling his toes into a mound of white bubbles. He pulled the duck to his chest, letting it slide against his wet flesh as though the waterfowl was snowboarding.

"Up the hill, down the hill. Oh, but Mr. Duck finds a dead body on the path," Near giggled again, squirting more pink bubble bath into the water. "The blood is everywhere, and the corpse is warm. Someone needs to find the perpetrator before the next snowfall hides the evidence. It's time to call in the world's greatest detective."

He reached over the side of the tub and grabbed the L-shaped finger puppet from the floor. Hesitating for only a moment, he grabbed his own replica as well. He splashed the two detectives onto his chest, where Mr. Duck was hovering near the splash of pink bubble bath blood.

"Duck-san, what seems to be the problem?" Puppet L said, already inspecting the scene of the crime.

"There was a murder, great detective L!" Mr. Duck cried, color changing from Green to Pink as the water reached a cooler temperature.

"I see," Puppet L nodded, walking the perimeter of the crime scene.

"Mr. Duck," the Near Puppet asked, "Have you seen anyone suspicious lately?"

"No," Mr. Duck quacked, "I was all alone when I found the body and I haven't seen anyone all day!"

"We will solve the case, Duck-san," Puppet L assured him. "Near-chan, will you come with me? We must examine this side of the mountain."

"Yes, L," Puppet Near agreed. "The southern edge of the mountain seems to be the most logical place to start, considering Mr. Duck's statement that nobody was seen coming from the summit. I suggest beginning in the lower regions."

"I agree," Puppet L nodded. The two finger puppets danced down the slick mountain of Near's chest, further and further until they reached the base of a new mountain of flesh. Near's breath caught in his chest as Puppet L began to ascend the peak, dragging Puppet Near along with him.

"We should cover this region thoroughly, Near-chan," Puppet L said, sliding up and down the rigid peak.

"Yes, L," Puppet Near agreed, also sliding faster and faster up and down the mountain.

Near began to whimper quietly as Puppet L's bumpy face examined every angle of the flesh, sending shivers and shocks throughout the boy's pale body.

"L," Puppet Near gasped, "The mountain is growing taller. What should we do?"

"Ah, good observation. Near-chan, I believe this requires further exploration."

The puppets moved faster and faster along the length of the mountain, swirling circles around the summit before plunging downward again. Puppet L led the way, carefully inspecting every inch of the mountain of flesh.

Near moaned deeply, eyes fluttering like butterfly wings. He moved the puppets roughly, gasping in pleasure at the sensations that they caused. Small waves shook the surface of the water from his heavy breathing.

"Oh...Near...chan..." Puppet L said, "It seems...that the...mountain...is a volcano..."

Near moaned and purred, forcing the puppets to complete their conversation. Although his mind quickly became foggy, he needed the dolls to act like the real L and Near. No game should ever be left unfinished.

"Yes, L..." Puppet Near replied. "It seems...like...it will...erupt...soon..."

"We...should...leave..." Puppet L suggested.

"But, the...murder..." Puppet Near argued. "We...must solve...it..._Ah, L_…"

"No," Puppet L patiently explained, "Near...chan, our…lives...are much more...important...than the case. Let's…leave..."

Near quickly tossed the two puppets out of the tub, grabbing himself roughly with his bare hands. He twisted his body, sloshing water onto the floor. He mewled softly, barely noticing how his voice echoed in the tiled room. One hand slowly rose out of the water, curling tightly in his hair. He tugged forcefully at his scalp, yelping as the sensation stimulated his sensitive nerves. One final, strong tug at his curls made the magma of his persistent exploration erupt from the underwater volcano.

Panting heavily, hand still tangled in his hair, Near frowned at the now-chilled water. His nose wrinkled in disgust at the new layer of white that seemed to replace the popped bubbles.

"Semen," he noted, "does indeed float."

He stood carefully, gripping the edge of the tub to keep his wobbly legs from collapsing, and drained the water. His frown deepened when he realized that the remnants of the volcano's eruption stuck to his legs and the sides of the tub.

"Ah, well," he sighed, "I suppose I'll take a shower instead."


	4. Final Battle

**Author's Note:** All right, I'm uploading this at six in the friggin' morning, and I haven't slept yet. You guys had better love me. xP This stupid story has been open ALL NIGHT. My good buddy Blackie somehow inspired me to write it tonight, so I suppose you'd better show some gratitude. xD I kid, I kid. This was actually pretty funny to write. I'm not really good with L's character yet, so I wrote this after being sleep-starved. xP That gives me an excuse, right? Right? Ah, didn't think so. Anyways, this is the FINAL chapter of this little series! Yay! I hope you all have enjoyed it. This is my first Death Note chapter fic to be completed. I'm so thrilled about that. xP Ahaha. I will try my hardest to have new chapters for Between Angels and Thieves, Ad Interim, and Game Over ready soon. Sorry for the long wait, guys! Summer is seriously busy for me. Oh, and I've also got two more oneshots in the works. I'm toying with the idea of uke!Mello, so keep your eyes out for that. ;P Anyways, Onward!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Death Note. But I really want some cake. Does that count?

**Warning:** L plays with himself. Therefore, beware of screaming L Fangirls. They're the scariest ones. o.o Even more frightening than the Mikami fangirls. Well...I take that back...

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"Watari," L called from his desk. "Could you bring me some more cake, please?"

"I am sorry, Ryuzaki, but you've eaten the last piece. I shall bring some in the morning. For now, I am going downstairs. Is there anything else you need?"

"Oh, no Watari. That will be all."

L watched as Watari left the room, agitation creasing his brow. No cake? How could Watari possibly act so calm in the face of such a crisis?

No cake means no icing. No icing means no sugar. No sugar means...

Well, that wasn't a very nice situation to think about.

L crouched precariously in his chair, still quite miffed about the lack of cake. His concentration levels depleted until he was quite utterly fed up with whatever work he had previously been engaged in. He sighed, flicking the monitor off before crossing the room toward his bed. He sat down, fully intending to reach for the laptop on the nightstand, but something stopped him.

He _really_ wanted cake.

His stomach coiled as he thought of the delicious treat, so slick and smooth with layers of icing. And oh, when it had strawberries on top...

L closed his eyes, leaning backwards into the mounds of pillows on his bed. He felt very much like one of those precious strawberries, nestled snugly between mounds of whipped cream and frosting globs.

He could picture it all so vividly. Cakes, miles and miles of cakes, all waited for his eager mouth. Chocolate cakes with rainbow sprinkles, banana cakes with coconut flakes over butter cream icing…

L moaned, unzipping his fly subconsciously. He nestled deeper into the pillows.

The pecan and almond cake stood tall against the backdrop, tiny peanut soldiers perched upon its many layers. A peanut butter drizzle fell from its tiers like miniature waterfalls. Beside it, he could imagine a pink, sparkly cake with fluffy strawberry icing. Sprinkles and baking confetti dusted its surface with multicolored bursts of beauty.

He grabbed himself roughly without realizing, letting his most basic human tendencies override his imagination.

The pineapple upside-down cake shone with a sweet pineapple glaze, real chunks of the sweet fruit stacked like building blocks upon its top. And, ah, the ice cream cake…

He began to rub at his arousal, sending shocks of euphoria through his veins as though he had just finished a large serving of sweet, sweet cake.

Ah, the ice cream cake. He could almost taste its chilly center through the layers of chocolate and vanilla marble. And at the end, at the shining center of the miles of cakes, stood the hero: the strawberry shortcake.

L's motions became more frantic as his breathing became more erratic.

Oh, the sweet strawberry shortcake. L pictured himself lunging at the cake with arms wide open, sliding easily into the whipped cream ocean. He could see himself digging into the sponge cake center, tasting its sugary sweetness. And oh, the strawberries…the **strawberries**…

He pushed himself over the edge, riding out the waves of pleasure with a content smile on his pale face.

Strawberries, without a doubt, made everything sweeter.


End file.
